HomeSick…

Work is slow, I’m wearing a suit and it turns out I didn’t need to, I fought with Blake before leaving for work/school, poor Tyler looked as though he wanted to disappear into the sofa, Steve is sick, and I’m just in a funk I can’t seem to get rid of…

Tyler gave me extra hugs before I left the house. I really don't like starting anyone's day in such an unpleasant manner. I felt guilty the whole drive into work. I did text Blake when I arrived at work to apologize... he responded: "It ok" Those two grammatically wacky words made me laugh and cry. I’m anxious to see Tyler after school and apologize to him as well.

We’re going home this weekend. It can’t seem to get here fast enough. I’m anxious to see familiar faces and places. I’m hopeful it will be a bit of a boost for all of us! Don’t get me wrong, things are good in Omaha, but I think there are always ups and downs when you move and leave behind good friends and family.

I’ve been going through my friends’ blogs… looking through scriptures… hoping to somehow magically make this funk go away. I started to type that I’d been silently praying, but I don’t think I’ve actually made it through a full thought or prayer today. I'm under emotional attack.

I can hear a dear friend of mine reminding me not to let it steal my joy. I’ve lost count of the number of times we said this to one another and the number of times I broke into a chorus of… “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart, where, down in my heart, where, down in my heart…” It’s just not the same when you’re singing it alone in your head.

Okay… enough. Got to get the JOY back!

I’ve neglected my private time with God. We’ve continued with our evening family devotionals and I pray on my way to work, but my prayers feel rehearsed and my quality time in the word is lacking. We’ve yet to find and plug into a new church home. It’s amazing what a difference missing one or both of these makes. I’m missing the fellowship with my LifeGroup, the interactions with the Switch Youth Group, being a part of something with my mom and the overall feeling of community and extended family a church home provides.

When I spoke with Steve earlier he said he planned to spend some quality time in prayer and meditation today while he was home. And we talked about needing to refocus ourselves and our family. We also talked about getting out… into the woods, to the river, to the lake… somewhere we all feel we can renew our spirit. Steve’s always said he feels closet to God when he’s out in nature away from the hustle and bustle of life. Finding somewhere quiet, surrounded by creation… that’s what we all need.

My reactions this morning were a manifestation of feeling homesick, frustrated and worn down. Although Blake has adjusted well in a lot of ways, there are struggles. Last night, for example, was not the best of evenings. A simple acknowledgement that he’s heard the words coming from my mouth would be fabulous. Refraining from looking at me as if he’d like to tell me where to go… would be refreshing. Taking care of the same responsibilities he’s always had and taken care of, would be wonderful. After feeling the need to completely remove myself from my eldest child’s presence to avoid behaving in a manner I would later regret, I got up and requested all TV’s, computers, video games, etc. be turned off and everyone make their way into our room.

Most of our books are still in storage, but there was one I found and decided it would actually be a really good fit. “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge. I read the entire first chapter out loud while Blake lay on the floor next to the dog, Steve on his side of the bed with his eyes closed and Tyler wriggling between us. We’ve been reading our family devotionals and having family prayer time each night, but something was different about last night. When I finished we talked about it briefly, prayed and the boys went to bed. There was no complaining or arguing, there was no up and down and back and forth… they settled in and went to sleep. And I don’t think either of them moved all night. This hasn’t been the case for several weeks now.

So… tonight, we’ll be having a quiet, media-limited evening. Hopefully, we’ll do some connecting as a family and try to reinstate some order into what we’ve allowed to become a little too out of whack. I think Steve and I both loosened our reigns in an effort to “help” the boys’ transition. We tried to be understanding and cool about things. And I think some of it was necessary and good. But I think we may have “helped” a little too much. Time to get things back in order.

Well… I feel better now. I guess sometimes just typing it out makes it seem a little less overwhelming.